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 Problem Sleuth Offices

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Metafiction

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PostSubject: Re: Problem Sleuth Offices   Fri Feb 05, 2016 4:23 am

[AD notices Equius come in.]

oh, hey, son. i'll be Able to tAlk in A minute.

[He returns to the conversation.]

illegAl businesses? well, i Dunno About the crew, but i'm pretty sure the felt hAve A few ArounD town. we shoulD try storming A few of those. mAybe we'll get lucky AnD finD some useful info. i got A tip the other DAy thAt thAt olD cAsino Across the street mAy be A front of theirs. there's Also that sketchy-looking tAilor shop Down by their mAnsion. AnD there's gottA be A bunch more besiDes...

---

[As luck/fate/unnecessarily contrived plot devices would have it, Kanaya enters the office immediately after AD mentions the tailor shop, not hearing about her new place of employment being a potential target for investigation.]

Hello Everyone
Apologies For Staying Out So Late
The Last Few Hours Have Been Rather Eventful For Me All Things Considered


[Kanaya trails off, noticing Equius in the corner.]

Er
Hello Again Equius
But
Were You Not At The Park When Gamzee And I Left
How Did You Manage To Make It Home Before Us
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PostSubject: Re: Problem Sleuth Offices   Fri Feb 05, 2016 5:59 am

[Gamzee sticks his head out from behind Kanaya waves toward the dicks and dames, and then turns his head to look at Kanaya]

[Noticing Equius in the corner Gamz walks over to his side and puts an arm around his shoulder in a friendly gesture]

HaHaHa ObViOuSlY hE uSeD hIs MoThErFuCkInG hIgH hOrSePoWeR sUpErLeGs KaNs :oP
A bEtTeR qUeStIoN iS wHeThEr Or NoT tHiS mOtHeRfUcKeR iS rEaDy To ThRoW dOwN!
sOmE sIcK rHyMeS tHaT iS!
hOnK >:o)
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PostSubject: Re: Problem Sleuth Offices   Fri Feb 05, 2016 2:09 pm

He looks at Kanaya and pushes up his shades before speaking.

D --> I have STRONG legs indeed. I simply power walked back.

Equius then turns to Gamzee, wanting to tell him to get his arm off him, but he just sweats a bit. An internal conflict begins in his mind...

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PostSubject: Re: Problem Sleuth Offices   Fri Feb 05, 2016 3:33 pm

“Hi, little Horsey”, greeted the furious Dame in a softer tone one of the adopted trolls. “I Hope you Had a gooD walk outsiDe.”

She listened to what Ace Dick has to tell it sounded promising to her. They could scout those areas and if something fishy was going on they could strike.
As Kanaya entered the room she greeted her too in a friendly tone. “Hi, my little noble, How are you? Don’t forget your lesson in CHainsaw-Combat later.”
It may be a cliché but Dame loved their trolls like she had born them and used the privilege to talk with them in a soft and affectionate manner whenever possible.

She greeted Gamzee in a more careful manner. “Hello, my little Harlequin. I Hope you are well.”

After she was finished with greeting the three trolls her attention was focused back on the strong detective. The news about
“If you info’s are correct tHey are tHe perfect targets. We sHoulD inspect tHose localities anD if tHey are involveD in illegal enterprise we will bust tHem like a parent busts tHeir kiDs wHen tHey caugHt tHem Doing sometHing wrong!“
She couldn’t suppress her delight at that thought.


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PostSubject: Re: Problem Sleuth Offices   Fri Feb 05, 2016 10:42 pm

OhHhHhH aRe YoU mOtHeRfUcKeRs TaLkInG aBoUt PuLlInG a HeIsT?!?
I'm In, I gOt YoU gUys
We CaN bUsT iN tHeIr AnD bE aLl LiKe
ThIs Is A mOtHeRfUcKiNg StIcKuP yOu UgLy MoThErFuCkErS!
tHeN I'lL kEeP tHe OwNer At BaY wHiLe yOu GeT tHe GoOdS!

[Gamzee continues to describe his perfect heist plan meanwhile in his head a scene from a classic 80's PI show's bank heist plays in his head, bad dialog and worse action and all]


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PostSubject: Re: Problem Sleuth Offices   Sun Feb 14, 2016 1:33 pm

"Hey there, kiddoS." Problem Sleuth slumped back in his chair, put his legs on his desk, and tipped his hat. It really gave him a "cool dad" sort of feel, y'know? At least, it would if he didn't fall on his ass literally seconds afterwards. Wait, scratch that, it wouldn't have given him the cool dad feel either way. But god damn it that wouldn't stop him from trying.

"I meant to do that!" Problem Sleuth exclaimed from the floor. He picked himself up and in a hushed tone said "Dick, hut-say on the lan-pays while the ids-kay are ere-hay." He whispered to him from across the room. At an audible volume. Frankly, pig latin was his only semi-decent way to obscure information.
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PostSubject: Re: Problem Sleuth Offices   Mon Feb 15, 2016 5:57 am

[AD can't really decide whether to chuckle or groan at Gamzee. He ends up going with something in bewteen, the result being...a choan? A gruckle? Feh, who cares.]

thAt's...not exActly how this works, gAmzee. it's A long story--

[He is cut off by PS' exhortation.]

yeAh, yeAh, whAtever. (goD, you cAn be so overprotective of them sometimes, you know thAt?)

---

[Meanwhile, having lived with PS for roughly three years now and therefore become uniquely acquainted with Pig Latin, Kanaya instantly picks up on her father's blatant attempt to hide the "plans," whatever they are. For the time being, though, she figures it's better to pretend as though the cipher works flawlessly. She's had enough "ama-dray" for one day.]

As Much As I Would Like To Ask How Things Have Gone With All Of You Today
I Feel As Though I Should Retire A Bit Early This Evening
Today Has Been Somewhat Draining To Say The Least
And Unfathomably Exhausting To Say The Most
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PostSubject: Re: Problem Sleuth Offices   Mon Feb 15, 2016 6:16 am

[Gamzee stares wide eyed at PS]
HoNk!
:o)

:o|

:oO

LoOk OuT eVeRyBoDy, He'S tRyInG tO uSe ThE dEvIl SpEaK aHhHhHh!
He'S tRyInG tO sUmMoN dEmOnS
rUn EvErYbOdY rUn!!!
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PostSubject: Re: Problem Sleuth Offices   Mon Feb 15, 2016 3:57 pm

Equius sighed at PS's fall, and sits there patiently, waiting to AD to finish his thing before asking him for an assignment.
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PostSubject: Re: Problem Sleuth Offices   Mon Feb 15, 2016 7:02 pm

“I Doubt tHat tHe kiDs will be trickeD be tHis Problem SleutH.”
At least two of three. She sighed at the bumbling sight of Kanaya’s adopted male Lusus.
“Make a stakeout Plan for tHe suspicious businesses Problem SleutH“, ordered the Dame to get things going. She wasn’t the boss but somebody had to push this lazy lard to start with crime busting.

She then turned to the clown-troll and smiled friendly. He was a sweet kid but sometimes, well not dumb but it seemed a circus was happening in the head and all the workers and the visitors were clowns. “Little Harlequin, I know tHat a gooD motHer sHoulDn’t say wHat Her son can become anD wHat not but becoming a criminal is tHe last tHing you sHoulD do.”

The Dame with the Chainsaw walked then over to the Jade-Blooded Troll, the most elegant and graceful of their adopted trolls. She was worried because she thought to notice worry in her eyes and over of the things she said.
“My little noble Kanaya wHat HappeneD earlier tHis Day too you? DiD someboDy try to rob you?”
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PostSubject: Re: Problem Sleuth Offices   Tue Feb 16, 2016 3:29 am

"(one of uS haS to be, have you Seen thiS city?)" PS replied under his breath to AD.

His eyes widened as HD quickly made short work of the effort he put into encrypting his message. Looks like those courses he took on Pig Latin were a complete and utter waste. "Yeah, yeah, I'm on it." PS took out his map of the town from his drawer under the wood held up by the cinder blocks and tried hard to think about what buildings were in need of a smooth, detective-style bust. A crime bust, of course, not like a Snoop Dogg bust or a guy with big lips bust. God those were weird. Why the hell would a person make those?

"Had a tough day, Kan?" He replied to his daughter, not looking away from his map.
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PostSubject: Re: Problem Sleuth Offices   Wed Feb 17, 2016 4:58 pm

You Could Say That
It Was Mostly Just A Collection Of Miscellaneous Shenanigans
Nothing Involving Larceny
Or Really Any Criminal Activity Whatsoever
That Said Though
Said Shenanigans Have Left Me Almost Completely Drained
I Feel As Though I Need Some Rest
Hopefully By Tomorrow I Will Be More Coherent


[Kanaya begins walking toward her bedroom.]
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PostSubject: Re: Problem Sleuth Offices   Thu Feb 18, 2016 8:21 pm

(Gamzee decides to calm down and take a nap, it's been a long day of being an awesome ass motherfucker and he needs some time to recharge)

If AnY oF yAlL nEeD mE, i'Ll Be AsLeEp RiGhT hErE.

(Gamzee curls up on the floor)
(As he falls asleep some faint whispering can be heard by those listening close enough)
MoThErFuCkInG...
KaRkAt?
WhErE iS mY bEsTfRiEnD?
...FaYgO cUpCaKeS
KiLl ThEm AlL...
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PostSubject: Re: Problem Sleuth Offices   Sun Feb 28, 2016 7:31 pm

[Kanaya reaches her bedroom door.]

Good Night Everyone

[She closes and locks the door behind her, then promptly falls into bed, where she almost instantly falls asleep.]

---

[AD watches Kanaya go into her room and lock the door. He then rounds on PS.]

you Do reAlize that coDDling kAnAyA isn't going to help her out At All in the reAl worlD, right? she's gonnA enD up Doing her own thing no mAtter whAt. you cAn't chAnge thAt.

[He grumbles a bit, then realizes he has a bit of work to finish up in his office. He starts for the door.]

look, i'm gonnA finish up some of this pAperwork. meet me At thAt tAilor shop tomorrow At ten. then we cAn...get some Dry cleAning Done, if you cAtch my meAning.

[He starts to leave, but then remembers Equius sitting in the corner.]

oh, uh, equius. i hAte to Do this to you, but i just remembereD i hAve A lot i neeD to take cAre of tonight, AnD it'll probAbly tAke me A while. cAn we tAlk About whAtever it is you wAnteD to tAlk About tomorrow sometime? i promise i'll try to be free to Discuss whAtever's on your minD. gooD night.

[AD retreats into his office to work on the paperwork.]
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PostSubject: Re: Problem Sleuth Offices   Tue Mar 08, 2016 11:43 pm

"What? I'm not coddling her! Can't a guy just greet his own daughter after a tough day?" PS got so heated up in his speech that he failed to realized Dick had already walked out the door. "I mean SeriouSly, excuuuuuuuuSe me for trying to be a good dad. I mean--and he left." Damn.

"Well, what do you want uS to do, Dame?" PS said, turning back to the woman. "The Felt has us outnumbered, the Crew has Shadow magic, and our PowerS aren't even much good outSide the imaginary world." Suddenly, Sleuth got an idea, thinking about how he had managed to convince two thugs to join him through his sheer pulchritude (any money, but shush). "Say...what would you think about opening up PoSitionS for new members to the team. Y'know, like interns except they're facing mortal danger every day.
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PostSubject: Re: Problem Sleuth Offices   Fri Mar 11, 2016 7:01 pm

“We coulD use a larger staff, tHey woulD be a big Help”, admitted the Dame. “THe otHer option is ganging up on our enemy. We gang up on a single Felt member, kill Him anD put His HeaD witH “Team SleutH” carveD into His foreHeaD into tHe beD of Crowbar. THis will sHow tHose cHartreuse cumbubbles tHat we aren’t to be taken ligHtly.”

The Dame had seen a few too many bad and good mob-movies these last few days and had come to the conclusion that it was unfair that only the mob was allowed to do the cool and unusual stuff.
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PostSubject: Re: Problem Sleuth Offices   Mon Mar 21, 2016 12:23 am

"Uh...Dame? We're SuPPoSed to be the good guyS, you know?" Lord, sometimes the woman scared the ever living crap out of him. "PluS, we'd Probably have to deal with an entire group of gangsterS mobbing uP on uS for the Sake of exePlifying our badaSSitude. So let'S just think this through. What would be a good Place to find recruits?"
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PostSubject: Re: Problem Sleuth Offices   Mon Mar 21, 2016 10:17 pm

The Dame noticed what she had just said. It was rather sick, even if the idea was cool in a twisted way. The fact that Problem Sleuth was disturbed by this didn’t make it any better.
“OH, I sHameD myself. Sorry, I wasn’t being serious I Hope.” She scratched the back of her head and smiled in an awkward manner. “THe modern media glorifies mobsters, despite all tHe terrible tHings tHey Do. THougH I suppose most of tHem meet a blooDy enD anD Have Horrible lives Despite all tHe wealtH tHey accumulate. I guess I’m angry about tHat.”
She would kill them if she could.

“Hiring people sHoulD be possible. Maybe we can finD a cop who is frustrateD witH tHe corrupted state of His colleagues. "THey may wisH to Help us.”
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PostSubject: Re: Problem Sleuth Offices   Sun Mar 27, 2016 3:31 pm

"Maybe..." PS squinted one eye and looked up to the ceiling. Another brilliant (if he did say so himself, which he totally did) plan came to his head. "Or maybe we could find mobSterS and convince them to work for uS. Think about it: they'd give uS the lowdown on crimeS, helP uS on caSeS, and GPI knows what elSe!"
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PostSubject: Re: Problem Sleuth Offices   Sun Mar 27, 2016 5:17 pm

(( Clover is always available :V ))

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PostSubject: Re: Problem Sleuth Offices   Sun Mar 27, 2016 5:37 pm

((Nepeta is also available, altho Eq is gonna have a pest log p soon here and get salty af))

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PostSubject: Re: Problem Sleuth Offices   Sun Mar 27, 2016 10:01 pm

Hysterical raised her eyebrow, questioning Problem’s idea. Gangsters were an superstitious cowardly lot and not very trustworthy in general. “You want to turn one of tHe mobsters? WHo woulD be willing to turn on tHeir gang? Clover gave us info in tHe past but I’m not sure if He woulD turn completely.”
She thought about the gallery of foes they fought against in the past. “Droog of tHe MiDnigHt Crew is more intelligent anD composeD tHan Slick but He is surprisingly loyal towarDs tHat angry assHole. Clubs Deuce is silly but HarDly material to become a mole. THe Felt Has StitcH tHe Tailor but He is very DeDicateD to treat tHe otHer LeprecHauns. THere is also Die wHo is a strange fellow among tHose strange fellows. We Don’t know mucH about MatcHsticks anD I Don’t tHink we coulD afforD enougH coffee to bribe ItcHy.”
It seemed hopeless but the passionate lady suddenly had an idea. “Hey, wHat about Doze?”
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PostSubject: Re: Problem Sleuth Offices   Mon Mar 28, 2016 4:36 am

"Why Doze? He'S a little Slow, ain't he?" Dame brought up a lot of fair points, but there was one thing that she neglected to account for. "And don't bother worrying about how we're gonna convince them to join. My Pulchritude is through the roof! A nice roguiSh, yet charming, audible wink should be more than enough to seal the deal." PS quickly added a few last words, er, less desirable conditions to the tail end of his sentence, reluctant to let Dame hear them. "That and a ton a dough, but hey, them'S the breakS."
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PostSubject: Re: Problem Sleuth Offices   Mon Mar 28, 2016 6:20 pm

But she heard it. She still had good ears even thought chainsaws weren’t known for soft sounds.
“Money could be a problem. The lackeys of the Cueball and Slick “Anger Issues” Spades are well paid. The amount of dough has to be noxious high, more than we can deliver.”
Gangsters are rich. Well, successful gangsters are. They need other reasons than money to betray their well-paying bosses.
“I mentioneD Doze because He Doesn’t seem to get mucH respect by His colleagues. I can’t say for certain tHat tHis is tHe case but I guess someboDy witH a wortHless ability like slowing only Himself Down can’t impress otHers so easily.”
Attacking the weakest link first, a classic tactic and a reliable one.
“You sHoulD talk witH Him SleutH.”
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PostSubject: Re: Problem Sleuth Offices   Thu Mar 31, 2016 2:37 am

"You think So?" PS would have taken a sip of his cup of coffee right now, if he actually had one. It was a real shame, for these casual back and forth chats a cup a joe would be perfect. It would really set the atmosphere pretty well. PS settled for the next best thing and took a sip of an imaginary cup of coffee in his head, despite the fact that it was like, what, the pitch black night? Mmm, just the way he likes his coffee. Hmm, that might not be Such a bad idea. If anything, we could alwayS hire Some random two bit thug to join uS. They're pretty easy to persuade from my experience with them. Anyway, I'm outta here."

PS stood up from his chair and made his way towards the door of the office to leave for Doze's Antique shop.

"WiSh me luck!"

((Yeah, both sound good. If anything, you guys can just make OCs to join Team Sleuth if you want.))


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